I know when I have to do something that I don't want to do.
It's this feeling in my gut. Chaos ensues in my brain. Then I start overthinking. Try to rationalize it away.
After which I drive my wife insane. Topped off with fear and anxiety.
That's when I know I have to do something. Those are my telltale signs.
The reason these reactions happen is because I'm ripping through the old parts of myself. And those old parts like being in control. They don't like becoming useless.
The mind has an amazing way of diverting attention from these growing pains/fears.
As I said above, thinking, rationalizing, strategizing. Creation of a little drama. Or some other "emergency" to deal with.
But at the end of the day, the growth will come. One way or another.
I've learned the hard way, many, many, many times, nip it in the bud and do it when you have some control over it early on. Because if we don't, needless destruction will follow.
Rip the bandaid off. Face the fear. Go into the scary and own it on your terms.
And repeat one thousand more times.
It's 11:12pm est.
I'll be honest, I'm having writers block. So let me share with you a free form stream of my consciousness to help me unblock this.
Feel free to stop reading and wait for the next post. If you haven't here we go:
I can't think. I cant think. my mind is racing. sugar is my god. I love Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper, Im listening to it now, I never listen to music when I write but I thought i would give it a try, it's not good. The music is but it messes with my brain. I ate a hot dog today with pizza and green tea ice cream followed by a diet coke, iced coffe and some peanut butter chumper things, I washed 4 loads of laundry with just oxy clean and found out that I was supposed to add detergent to it and now it smells like moth balls, that pissed me off. laundry is ridiculous. RIFUCKINGDICULOUS. I cant get the green tea ice cream out of my mouth, it wwas a pint, not proud. I love the boxers I'm wearing. Now geroge michael is playing. he did it right. I hate my apartment and lvoe it at the same time. I want exposed brick. I have a decsion to make but my mind is clouded and torn. I rode a rollercoaster today. I twas fun but felt like it was crushing my brain. New york is a whore...sometimes. Laywer, firemeow, green tea icecream, probably lose a few followers, pout, rage, yell, manic, will i post this or delete it? blah balha blahalabhab blahbahla I almond butter. If I ever say namaste on these emails and mean it, shoot me. fuckity fuck fuckerson fuckumps mrfuckertillywink sirfuckington assfuckcatdog ppoop.
And now back to your regular scheduled emails:
Break the rules of everything. Especially emails.
Redefining marriage. This is something my wife and I have been discussing a lot about the last few days.
What does OUR definition of marriage look like?
There are little things we do that we aren't really sure why we do them.
Do we want to do them? Or is it an expectation that somehow we unconsciously picked up?
The more Bridget and I grow and evolve, we realize we are hitting up against definitions that no longer suit us.
It's not easy to recognize immediately because it's so ingrained. But there they are. Waiting to be discovered.
And it's not always comfortable when we do discover them. There's a sense of security wrapped up in them.
But again, as we evolve, they no longer suit us. So, we do our damndest to redefine that definition. Make it our own.
It's interesting to see where this will take us. A new journey.
Maybe we'll meet a few of you on the way.
JUST DO IT.
God how I hate that phrase.
And yet, there it is. As much as I hate it, there is that nugget of truth in there. Do "it."
We all know there is something to be done. This "it." This elephant in the room.
We just don't want to do "it." We want to ignore "it." We want to postpone "it."
And by damned it's our right to do that.
But alas, when we're sleeping in one day, thinking about what amazing adventure to have..."it" pokes that ugly little head up to remind you "it" hasn't gone anywhere.
"It" causes anxiety. "It" causes fear. "It" cause lack of self-worth.
So, in my opinion, if we are to conquer the shit out of this world and our lives, we must deal with "it."
We must look this beast in the face, full on, no backing off.
And the only way to do that?
Just do it.
The refinement is the art of fine tuning. Micro adjustments.
A tweak here. A tweak there.
1/8th inch to the left. 1/18th inch to the right.
It's in these tiny shifts that the big things happen.
We often look for the big shifts. The things that can change life NOW. I do.
However, as painful as it is, when we hunker down and do the work to constantly course correct, well, it's darn right magical.
Instead of focusing on the impossible transformation, focus on the one that can happen right...this...second.
And then repeat, over, and over, and over again.
You'll soon find yourself exactly where you want to be.
We fear what we can't see.
The possibilities of things going wrong, endless.
We toss and we turn at this unknown fear.
We build protection mechanisms. Ways to hide. Play small. Convincing reasons why not to engage.
And yet, the fear remains. Like a dog hunting for a lost bone. Relentless pursuit.
The fear is there.
What I have found to be true is that the fear, when faced, is powerful.
It is a locked force waiting to be seen. To be tapped. Waiting to be used. Unleashed.
But for whatever reason, a long time ago, it was pushed down, and judged.
Acknowledge the fear. See it. Feel it. And then own it. Because if it isn't owned, it will own us.
Be powerful by unlocking the fear.
Ferocity. The word itself sounds like a thunderclap across the face. A mountain punch to the gut. Tectonic plates colliding on the spine.
Sometimes we need to invoke words like this in our lives.
Especially when we are stuck. In a rut. In a job. In a relationship.
We often fear the intensity we have buried deep down inside us. And why not? It's animalistic.
But the opposite ain't good either. Passivity. Complacency. Death.
In my own life, when I see little to no movement, a healthy dose of ferocity is just what the doctor ordered.
You see your prey (a clear and concise life goal) and you attack.
You do not stop until you've ripped the throat out of it and you're standing atop the carcass basking in bloody glory.
The tiny adjustments, that's where the magic is.
One less cup of coffee.
One extra workout a week.
Breathing for 5 minutes every morning.
Taking time to watch a sunset.
Feeling the pain in the heart for a few seconds.
Stretching for 2 minutes.
Opening to the vulnerability at the moment of impact.
Saying I love you once.
It all starts in that first choice to change. And a lot of times we feel like there have to be monumental things to initiate change.
But, it's really that first decision...and then beginning.
A favorite passage from one of my favorite books/movie. The Secret Garden:
“One of the strange things about living in the world is that it is only now and then one is quite sure one is going to live forever and ever and ever. One knows it sometimes when one gets up at the tender solemn dawn-time and goes out and stands out and throws one's head far back and looks up and up and watches the pale sky slowly changing and flushing and marvelous unknown things happening until the East almost makes one cry out and one's heart stands still at the strange unchanging majesty of the rising of the sun--which has been happening every morning for thousands and thousands and thousands of years. One knows it then for a moment or so. And one knows it sometimes when one stands by oneself in a wood at sunset and the mysterious deep gold stillness slanting through and under the branches seems to be saying slowly again and again something one cannot quite hear, however much one tries. Then sometimes the immense quiet of the dark blue at night with the millions of stars waiting and watching makes one sure; and sometimes a sound of far-off music makes it true; and sometimes a look in someone's eyes.”
― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
I don't often write fiction. Actually, I never write fiction. However, I was standing before a lake a few weeks ago. It's called Emerald Lake. There was something so stunningly beautiful about it. It took my breath away. It was at a place called Mt. Lassen in upstate California.
While I was standing there I had this most incredible story enter into my head. And I thought I would share it.
It begins...in the ocean, 1664 AD:
The ship was getting pummeled by waves as the crew was desperately trying to keep it afloat. It was the worst storm many of the seasoned sailors had seen in their lives. But it wasn’t the crushing rain, or the deafening lightning that was putting the men in jeopardy, it was the flying beasts.
Monstrous animals appearing with each lightning strike barreling down on the vessel with ferocity in their eyes and hunger in their teeth. Their instinct was carnal. Their motivations primal.
Feed and destroy.
Most of the men had heard of dragons but never had seen them in person. Most prayed it was merely a myth. As they found out that night, it wasn’t.
Slowly the wooden hull of the ship began to splinter from the attacks. Armed with only cannons the men stood no chance against the ruthless maneuvers of these prehistoric assassins.
While the chaos consumed the deck, below was a completely different scene. Four women, dressed in white, were in meditation around a single flame. Darkness of the strange quarters below melted into the pristine whiteness and devouring flame. Light and dark. Nothing else.
With the destruction above, the women soon realized the ship would be lost, and they would not make their destination.
They had one option, perform the ritual. NOW! Nestled below the chaos and death, they began. Perfect verticality in their backs. Deafening silence in their minds. The initiation of a power inside them that only few could handle.
Slowly the women descended into a piercing whiteness. It grew. Consuming them.
The meditation intensified. There was no beginning and no end to the flame or themselves. The space of whiteness enlarged. Each woman holding desperately to the ritual. To holding the power. To opening themselves beyond human capacity. Their physicality, tested. Screaming from every cell in their body to stop.
The whiteness was wild. It demanded totality. Their hearts ripping apart. Droplets of blood dripping from their noses as their corporeality begin to fail. Scenes of their past, present and future, exploded in their ears.
If one were to waiver in the least, all would be lost. Thousands of years of light, possibly extinguished in a second. Forever. Everything. Nothing. Love. Hate. Duality.
The seed of it all. Truth.
And with a gulp, the whiteness imploded into the candle.
And with a cosmic boom, the whiteness exploded out into a millenia of color.
Aeons of sound. A knowing. A return.
Flame and woman. Extinguished.
Annihilation of both dragon and man. A rupture in the fabric of life.
An opening beyond comprehension.
When I work with clients there are a few basic questions I always ask:
1. How are you feeling?
2. What's not working in life?
3. How long has it been going on?
4. Why hasn't it or can't it change?
5. When was a time you remember when this wasn't a problem?
6. What was that feeling like?
7. So what do you want now?
8. Can you feel that?
9. Are there any thoughts that come up and block that?
10. Ok, shall we begin?
A very simple set of questions but so critical in finding out what is going on with someone. What their mindset is and if they know what they want.
Before we dig into the HOW, it's always good to get a overview of the WHY.
When I catch myself spinning and looking for more of the hows, I always start over and begin to look at the why.
And then I ask myself question number 10 again. Am I willing to begin? That may be the hardest. Because it takes true honesty. When I do say Yes with full intention, that's when something clicks in.
Works like a charm.
Feel free to use these in times of a stuckness, spinning, or unhappiness. It's a good start.
If you need more help with anything above, feel free to look at options to work together and schedule a call.
It's Tuesday, let's just dive in.
My question, how do some of us deflect fear of humiliation?
One of the main ways?
The laugh. The "LOL." The smiley face. The "hahaha."
Humor used as a deflection.
I've been noticing it more and more. Someone will say or write something very near and dear to their hearts, something that is vulnerable, and boom - a laugh or an emoji.
And guess what? I'm guilty...hahaha
(See what I did there. I laughed at a very honest moment that makes me uncomfortable).
It's important to catch this.
This doesn't mean that we need to stop laughing. Stop being goofy. Stop having fun.
But damn, let's start owning how we feel. It's important to us and there is no reason to minimize it with a deflection mechanism.
Will it be easy to be that vulnerable? Depends. Will it be difficult to break that habit? Possibly. But...
But...let's stop cheapening ourselves, our feelings, and our words.
Deep in the recesses of our soul are incomprehensible evils.
Darkness that would make the heavens weep.
Thoughts that have been banned from society.
Fears at the most horrific level.
Sins at the seventh circle of hell.
And guess what, we all have 'em.
We are animals. We are divine, yes. But we are animals.
And violence comes from repressing them. Explosions that have been boiling for years. Never facing the depths in a controlled manner.
It's not these parts of us that are bad, it's the fact we aren't allowed to see them. Feel them. Explore them. Own them.
That is bad.
Because if we do, I bet you we would all be a lot less neurotic, fearful, anxious human beings.
Funny how the answer to peace lies in the "darkness."
The softness of the morning is a chance to regenerate.
It's a magical woven blanket of possibility.
It's freshly washed. Created just for us.
Snuggle in the hope.
Then rise from it like a giant.
Ready to remove the cluttered nonsense from the self.
It is ours for the taking.
Remember that it exists...and use it.
“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."
"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here.”
― Lewis Carroll
We must all be mad.
To read a blog like this. To seek something greater. To want more.
To be tired of the loop. To try new things. To go outside the comfort zone.
We must all be mad.
To fall in love. To want love. To be broken hearted.
To want a job that feeds the soul. To know there is more out there.
We must all be mad.
To question our reality. To snub our noses at the norm.
To seek. To learn. To fight.
We must all be mad.
We must all be mad but then again, these are our lives and no one else's.
A responsibility to you and only you. To see how far to stretch the limits.
We must all be mad. Thank god.
The thing we want most in life is often a red herring, covering up something much more important.
Take for example love. I am hired by a lot of people to find love. A lot. It's in short supply out there...or so we think.
And my clients usually have done everything in their power to find it.
They've read the books. They've spoken to friends. They've gone to courses. They've done it all.
And they should. Do everything! I am totally on board with that.
However, at some point, when it ain't working, it's time to look deeper.
Maybe love, in this case, really shouldn't be the goal.
Maybe it's something inside. A twist somewhere.
Maybe it's something to do with power. Beliefs. Self-worth. Fears.
Basically all of these unconscious mechanisms working in the background. Hijacking love.
And the minute we start to see those. Identify them. Feel into them. Move through them.
Guess what, LOVE. Like clockwork.
And this can be applied to pretty much anything in life. Anything you want.
If you're curious about this process check out this page and feel free to book a discovery call.
It is with great honor and pride today to write this post and say the following:
Phew, I feel better.
Now maybe suck is a strong word, but let me explain.
In comparison to the perfection standards that we are expected to live up to and expect ourselves to live up to, we suck. We will always suck. There will be nothing but a life of sucking.
It will be an existence of suck.
There is the perfect body. The perfect job. The perfect partner. The perfect mind. The perfect bank account. The perfect metabolism, thoughts, gratitude, hair, eyesight, boss, penis, breasts, car, jacket, ass, vacation, time, kids, family.
Perfect. And again, according to those standards, we suck, big time.
But what if...what if...perfection was an illusion? What if perfection was created by one person or a group of persons that are nothing like you or me. They have never had a the life experiences we have had. They don't have the body types we've had. They don't have the minds we have. They are not US.
What if perfection, was imperfect? What if the whole damn game of the perfect life was bullshit?
Could you imagine what it would be like if we lived exactly how WE were meant to according to OUR personal makeup as human beings?
"We suck" wouldn't exist because there would be no ridiculous perfection standard.
We would simply...BE.
I AM THAT I AM. Done. End of story. And you can tell the perfect police to go fuck themselves...with unicorns and rainbows.
Not tomorrow. Not the next day, NOW!
For some reason we are built to put things off until later. Especially if they aren't in the line of work or pressure from a job.
We put off health. Travel. Love. Family. Opening.
We wait for the perfect time. I do.
"It will be better next year." "Once I have X then I will allow myself to do Y."
And what I've found, is that there is only now.
I was doing laundry yesterday where I'm meditating for a few more weeks. The night was beautiful. It was about 9:40pm.
I checked my laundry, put it in the dryer and had about 30 min to kill.
Facebook? Emails? Instagram? Texts? Planning my next vacation? Car searching?
Look out over the mountains with the moonlight pouring it's magic, silvery ether over the land. Melt into the starlight. Feel the pain that had been simmering under my heart.
My brain said to do that later. I had "work" to do. And then I realized it had to be NOW.
I put the phone down. Propped myself up against a tree in a field and enjoyed the NOW.
I got more "work" done in those 30 minutes than I would have gotten done in a week.
Funny how those things work.
I was working with a client some time ago, when we decided it was time for him to curate his life.
It's an interesting concept, curating your life.
You become very discerning. Allowing in only that which you truly want.
Carefully honoring your time. And when shared, it is in clearly delineated slots.
The people you interact with feed and fuel you. The ones that don't...well, your choice.
Media and news used only as a tool, not as a numbing agent.
Food that feels alive. Excites you. Tickles your curiosity.
Clothes that have a force behind them. An unspoken power. For you and only you.
Overall a very timeless selfishness. A deep love of yourself. One so precious that when you interact with the world there is an instant connection.
Step one to curating a life, decide to.