6 Rules from the "Welcome to Living with Someone Handbook" (that hasn't been written)
(We never fight and only stare at each other like that…)
I've recently started doing more and more couple feng shui's. Mostly newly married or just moved in.
We go deep. Rattled the cages a little. Find the hidden dark spots in the home that mirror themselves. And the opposite of course as well. Light to light. Things that need to be said. Things waiting to be discovered. A new roadmap for that couple.
But what always astounds me when people move in together is that there is no "Welcome to Living with Someone Handbook" waiting for them to help through the transition. Just something little even. One of the cruel jokes of this world. So, here are a few tips and pointers I would have in my handbook if I were to ever write one.
1. This will hurt. No matter how much you love each other, it's gonna hurt. And that's ok. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It doesn't mean this was a mistake. But if you go to the gym for the first time ever and start doing exercises you've never done before, it will hurt. This is a gym of eternity. Why? See #2
2. YOU ARE TWO SEPARATE AND UNIQUE HUMAN BEINGS. Whether it's sex, age, race, family, upbringing, past, present, finances, friends, crunchy vs. creamy, east coast vs. west coast, left handed or right handed, tall and short, metabolism, beliefs, religion, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING that you have curated as a human up to now will come crashing into another human being in a shared physical and energetic space. And that's a lot. No matter how secure you are. See #1
3. Your energy knows YOU. It knows what you like, what you don't like. It knows when to wake up, what to do when you're angry, sad, raging, insane, giggly, ticklish, funny, a dick, and the other person's energy WON'T. It most likely won't get it. Why? Because that other person you are living with is not you. Nor should they be. And when you have a few decades of being YOU jammed into a space with someone else, well, see #1.
4. Compromise is good. Too much is bad. Keep your individuality. It serves no one to shove your preferences down into the pit of your stomach. I've seen this blow up with too many couples I've worked with. It's ok to have different tastes. It is. But to always yield to the other person is not. Even if you say you don't care. Ohhh but you do. You always do. Compromise is fine as long as your side has been fully expressed and acknowledged. There is no room for martyrdom when you move into together.
5. Watch out for too much family stuff. A family of your partner has a very funny way of infiltrating into the home if you aren't careful. This isn't good because you aren't able to establish what YOU as a COUPLE's energy is like. Defining YOUR rules. "My mom gave me xyz. Then she sent abc. Oh my god, look, we have pqrs. Would you believe it but we now have klmno?!" And to that I say "klm...NO!" (see what I did there? I'm patting myself on the back as I write this). Define you. A little is not bad. We all need help. But a lot is a lot and you might as well have a parent move in and call it a throuple.
6. Emotions are processed differently. Be ok with that. Hypothetically, my wife may say I am a weee bit emotional. I wear my feelings on my sleeves. Ok. I'll play along. On the other hand, hypothetically, I may say my wife can be a weee bit bitey in the morning. Like a pit viper to the face if anyone disturbs her before she is a fully functioning human being. Hypothetically. And that's ok. The faster you realize/remember you are completely separate and unique human beings, the better. You won't care as much and the bite won't sting as much. It's just who they are.
These are my six starter rules for "Welcome to Living with Someone Handbook."
Key takeaways? This is going to hurt. You are separate and unique human beings. You will fight. Have an opinion. Compromise. And most important of all, make your own rules.
Think of it as a chaotic collision of two asteroids traveling at different speeds from different parts of the galaxy with different inorganic/organic makeup, trying to form a new unit while being hurdled through space with no direction, plan or navigation system.
And that's pretty freaking cool.
But, See #1.