6 Rules from the "Welcome to Living with Someone Handbook" (that hasn't been written)

(We never fight and only stare at each other like that…)

I've recently started doing more and more couple feng shui's. Mostly newly married or just moved in. 

We go deep. Rattled the cages a little. Find the hidden dark spots in the home that mirror themselves. And the opposite of course as well. Light to light. Things that need to be said. Things waiting to be discovered. A new roadmap for that couple. 

But what always astounds me when people move in together is that there is no "Welcome to Living with Someone Handbook" waiting for them to help through the transition.  Just something little even. One of the cruel jokes of this world. So, here are a few tips and pointers I would have in my handbook if I were to ever write one. 

1. This will hurt. No matter how much you love each other, it's gonna hurt. And that's ok. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It doesn't mean this was a mistake. But if you go to the gym for the first time ever and start doing exercises you've never done before, it will hurt. This is a gym of eternity. Why? See #2

2. YOU ARE TWO SEPARATE AND UNIQUE HUMAN BEINGS. Whether it's sex, age, race, family, upbringing, past, present, finances, friends, crunchy vs. creamy, east coast vs. west coast, left handed or right handed, tall and short, metabolism, beliefs, religion, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING that you have curated as a human up to now will come crashing into another human being in a shared physical and energetic space. And that's a lot. No matter how secure you are. See #1

3. Your energy knows YOU. It knows what you like, what you don't like. It knows when to wake up, what to do when you're angry, sad, raging, insane, giggly, ticklish, funny, a dick, and the other person's energy WON'T. It most likely won't get it. Why? Because that other person you are living with is not you. Nor should they be. And when you have a few decades of being YOU jammed into a space with someone else, well, see #1. 

4. Compromise is good. Too much is bad. Keep your individuality. It serves no one to shove your preferences down into the pit of your stomach. I've seen this blow up with too many couples I've worked with. It's ok to have different tastes. It is. But to always yield to the other person is not. Even if you say you don't care. Ohhh but you do. You always do. Compromise is fine as long as your side has been fully expressed and acknowledged. There is no room for martyrdom when you move into together. 

5. What out for too much family stuff. A family of your partner has a very funny way of infiltrating into the home if you aren't careful. This isn't good because you aren't able to establish what YOU as a COUPLE's energy is like. Defining YOUR rules. "My mom gave me xyz. Then she sent abc. Oh my god, look, we have pqrs. Would you believe it but we now have klmno?!" And to that I say "klm...NO!" (see what I did there? I'm patting myself on the back as I write this). Define you. A little is not bad. We all need help. But a lot is a lot and you might as well have a parent move in and call it a throuple.

6. Emotions are processed differently. Be ok with that. Hypothetically, my wife may say I am a weee bit emotional. I wear my feelings on my sleeves. Ok. I'll play along. On the other hand, hypothetically, I may say my wife can be a weee bit bitey in the morning. Like a pit viper to the face if anyone disturbs her before she is a fully functioning human being. Hypothetically. And that's ok. The faster you realize/remember you are completely separate and unique human beings, the better. You won't care as much and the bite won't sting as much. It's just who they are. 

These are my six starter rules for "Welcome to Living with Someone Handbook."

Key takeaways? This is going to hurt. You are separate and unique human beings. You will fight. Have an opinion. Compromise. And most important of all, make your own rules.

Think of it as a chaotic collision of two asteroids traveling at different speeds from different parts of the galaxy with different inorganic/organic makeup, trying to form a new unit while being hurdled through space with no direction, plan or navigation system.

And that's pretty freaking cool. 

But, See #1.


Feng Shui | Inner Space Technique | Meditation
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The Secret Formula (AEA)

The secret formula. 

Awareness + Experience + Action= Success (Whatever success means to you). 

Awareness is the first part of the formula. Without awareness, we get nowhere. Awareness is like looking under the hood of a car and knowing each and every part and what it does. Very important, especially if you are a mechanic. If you don't know what these parts do and how they work, out of business. Imagine we are mechanics of our lives. The car is us. To blindly trust each part will work fluidly and forever is ludicrous. The fluids, belts, gaskets, pressure, rust, fuses, lamps, voltage, everything! But apply this to us. The feelings, thoughts, scars, patterns, beliefs, closings, openings, fears, truths, divinity, beast, EVERYTHING. Become aware of what makes us up and runs under the hood.

Experience it. This is the secret sauce of the formula. A lot of people are good at awareness. They understand everything about themselves. The pains, the family crap, the patterns, the power etc. But there is a difference between knowing it and experiencing it. Knowing it is from the mind. The area that is creating the problem in the first place. Experiencing it is below the mind. It actually goes into the meat of it. By experiencing the beliefs, feelings, closing, divine beast, whatever, we are allowing a presencing to happen. We are opening the blockages that were creating the problem in the first place. Opening to the power that hides. Knowing is seeing from above. Experiencing is diving head first and cracking it open. And once it's cracked open, a huge amount unleashes. You get you back. 

Action is essential. Now, through awareness, we've seen what we are. What is blocking us. What power we truly have. And we've experienced it. We've stepped into it. We haven't turned away from it. Now, we own it. We become it. We are it. How? Action. We put it into use. There is only one way to make it work, action. Devise a plan on what to do with this newly discovered you. And do it. If we only stop at experience, we will always live in a hypothetical world. A "what if" type of mentality. It's like having a Porsche that you've restored to its former glory and you never drive it. You never see how fast it can go. How it can hug the turns. How it feels to have German engineering at its best roar between your legs. Without action, we will always be in the garage, waiting. 

Each of these components is a key to success. What is success? Well, that's yours to define. But here is the formula. Use it wisely. It's a powerful beast. 

Just like you.


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Victim or Victor

Victim or Victor?

It's not so much the result as the mindset. 

Do we go into the fray, hat in hand, with the weight of the world dragging us along, beat up and abused? 


Do we go into the fray because it is our choice? Because it is our wanting? Our life? 

It doesn't mean it's all going to be fun. Or easy. Or simple. 

But there is perspective and that is a choice.

Victim or Victor. 


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The Definition of "Manly."

Masculinity. What a bitch. 

This is one that I've always grappled with. I've always felt more sensitive than most men.That I cared more. That I was too soft. That I didn't have the same drive. The same machismo. 

I associated this as a bad thing. That I was less than. That I was different. 

Well, I was. But, maybe not.

Truth is, men really haven't been encouraged to feel. It's not like they chose this, it was bred into them. Society. History. Family. Friends.

But we all have the feelings. 

It comes down to definitions. They're subconscious. Engrained. Woven into the fabric. Working behind the scenes. Pulling the strings. 

For me, job title, money, hierarchy, was important. But it hurt. It was how I defined myself. And if I didn't have those things, I was not a man. I "wanted them" but I never could achieve it. Always striving. Never happy. Couldn't quite reach.

Fuck that. 

When I used to drink, one of the main reasons I liked drinking with men was because they would let their guard down. I could let mine down. I remember crying with men. Opening to men. Caring for men. A piece of me was validated by seeing that these guys felt the same way I did. Thank God! And we were drunk, so why the hell not. Ah but the next day, we would brush it all under the table. Never happened. Didn't exist. And it killed me. That's why I stopped drinking. 

I had to finally admit I wanted real connection. That was hard. It still is hard. 

And all the men out there that struggle with this. Sensitivity, vulnerability, feelings, whatever it is that you shame or guilt or hide, I get it. 

Back in hunter gather times, if these traits were shown, we would be killed. Ex-communicated. No tribe. The fears still exist. Big time. 

To be honest, to feel what you feel and to be who you are meant to be, is the most manly thing in the world. 

It has taken me a long, long, long time to define what "man" means to me. The definition isn't so important as what it means to ME. No one else. 

Once you find your definition, it will be a massive weight of proving, projecting, hiding, and fear that will be uplifted off of you. And maybe the definition…is no definition.

Trust me, it's a work in progress. One I know only too well. But there ain't nothing like it. 

And that's manly. 


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Freedom vs. Comfort

The time comes when everyone must leave home. It can be a beautiful process or painful. Freedom vs. comfort. 

Not that there is anything wrong with comfort. It is built into us to seek comfort. The world can be harsh.

But when comfort impedes growth and freedom, well, it becomes a crutch. A substitute for personal power.

Like everything in life, it’s simply about awareness. The more aware we are, the more freedom we can have. 

And that’s pretty damn exciting. 


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